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... [Jul. 1st, 2005|06:19 am]
nakedshaft
"Ooooooooooh, Caaaa-nadaaaaa..."

and thats about as much of their anthem i know.

hello, im Alan Phillips. You may remember me from such countries as Wales, and The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

im back. 15 voicemails on my phone. not too bad, more than expected, although a couple were from a friend who just had too much time on his hands.

canadians cant drive, simple fact. signaling, cutting p[eople off, speeding, going dowen the correct side of the road; all these and more seem too much for these people. but they make great waffles.

canadian women csn be catergorised into two groups; really-hot, and "im-on-vacation-so-no-one-will-find-out" hot.

never fly America West airlines. the ONLY airlines ive ever met that employed a FAT hostess. im not being mean but, sericouslty, lets be practcal. i dont bleev in discriminaton but when you have to back up 15 rows on ur way to the loo because fatty McEats-a-lot is the same width even when she turns sideways, you gotta ask urself if this was a good hiring decision. plus she was a bitch so i envisioned her dying in a fiery plane crash. i was bored.

im used to being in the screaming baby section of planes. im used to it. what struck me as a surpise was when a middle aged woman in the row next to me pulled out of what i initially thought was her a purse... a small dog. a fucking dog. that was apparently giving a speech on the safety features of the planes escape routes to all other dogs that may have been listening, becasue the damned thing wouldnt stop yappi9ng until the fat bitch had stopped speaking (dogs sense evil)

i love drinking on a plane. nothing makes me happier than knowing the person next to me is uncomfortable as hell, and all they can smell is my alcy breath as i drift slowly into an amber state of unconciousness. what pisses me off is when fatty mc fat fat wakes me up to say we're landing. "no shit? the loud noises and dipping of the plane tip you off or was it all the frweakin LAND around us getting larger and larger, godzilla?"

weddings; i love weddings. nothing finer than getting drunk with your family. for free.and another bonus; bridesmaids are fun when drunk. lotsa fun.

drugs; they aint killed me yet.

okay, i just got in from my flight. its gone six ay-emm and i need to sleep before i go to work (i hope im not working but just in case). m phones dead and i cant find my charger so ill get back to anyone that gives two short shits as soon as i can.

phillips, out.
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STAR WARS LOYAL [May. 24th, 2005|02:30 am]
nakedshaft
[mood |eclectic... and tired]

So i recently had the good fortune of being able to see the newest star wars installment STAR WARS III: REVENGE OF THE SITH with my parents, which is exactly how i wanted to see it; i started watching star wars with them, i finished watching star wars with them.

I have heard varied complaints (some i shared, vehemently) about this movie, but on the most part everyone seemed to enjoy it. i was quite satisfied with the movie, thouroughly enjoying it.

however, i just now finished watching STAR WARS VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI. now, for quite awhile, i and many others have been worried that these newer movies would ruin the older ones because they are too new and what not.

...i disagree COMPLETELY! this movie may have slightly less amazing special effects, but they are swept aside by the story, the mythology of this whole saga. i watched this movie with the knowledge and plotline of 5 other movies behind it. it made the story deeper, the ending more impacting, the charcters more intense. each main character (except han solo, he was just a pimp to begin with) had a clearer, more fresh history in your mind and it made the storyline much more engrossing. 35 years of events were accumulating to this point.

i come from a country where 99.9% of people have seen star wars from an early age, so the amount of people here who havent seen the orignals and/or the newer ones amazes me, and makes me feel special.

here is a saga that spans 35 years, and i am fortunate enough to be able to appreciate each movie "almost" perfectly (people like my parents, who watched the very first movie on their HONEYMOON, are the lucky bastards who appreciate them the most)

each movie, starting from episode one, ties into the fluidly, the story unfolding and the plot thickening. just because the graphics arent great doesnt make the story any less riveting, awe inspiring and damn near tear jerking. (although lucas going back and revamping the olde rones was a good idea when viewd alongside the newer ones)

basically, the star wars saga has changed for me, for the better. it is no longer a story about one luke skywalker, striving to hang on to a legacy that has been lost for many years, and finally deafeating the greatest cinematic villain ever thought up.

it is now a story about a few main people; Obi Wan Kenobi, who was there from the very, very beginning. Luke and Leiah, the two twins who would help bring evetyhing back together. But mostly, about Annakin skywalker. everything hinges on him. yes the older movies are more about luke, but after watching the newer ones, i look at darth vader in a whole new way. not just the evil guy turned good, he becomes something else. you beign to see a whole new charcter behind the mask. they always thought annakin would bring balance to the force, and, eventually and in a roundabout way, he did. the acting in the newer movies, although over the top and camp, is perfcetly aligned with that of the odler ones; obi wan kenobi (well done ewan) and especially darth vader.

the anger, the passion, the fucking VOICE!!! JAMES EARL JONES RETURNED AND REPRISED HIS ROLE!!!!!!!!!!! im just thouroughly proud and honoured to be able to enjoy these movies to their fullest and i dont care whether lucas did it for the money or for the fans, he bloody well did it RIGHT! ewan mcgregor played a perfect role as a younger, cockier obi wan kenobi. christen haydenson played a great annakin skywlaker. he acted alot like luke, except angrier and more uncontrollabl with his force, just like he is described. luke is his SON an they act alike! in the early star wars movies, luke skywlaker is young and inexperienced, just like annakin was, but by the end, he is strong and wise and powerful; he becomes what annakin would have done had he not turned evil and asthmatic (officailly the ONLY joke i try and pull in this post)

i some day hope my kids can enjoy these movies like i did. i watched them with my parents when i was a kiddie, and i watched them over and over again all these years with them too. now, even as im much older, i watched the newest ones with my parents as well, and so i completed the whole bundle with them. i jusyt hope one day my kids can experience the same thing with me.

im going to watch the whole series, from episode one thru episode 6, this week hoipefully. i feel like ill be able to appreicate every single one fully.

however, those of you who have seen none of them, i suggest you watch the olde rones first then the newer ones and then the older ones again, just so you dont ruin any surprises ofr yourself. (i obviously dont recommend all of this in one go, youll go blind)

im done now. i just wanted to say how much im glad i got to experience a bit of history. and that these are the things that shape kids imaginations for the rest of their lives. school and friends and family are a big part, but even in todays modern society, stories and legends and myths STILL help mould a person, just like in the olden days of bards and other such things.

i wouldnt be who i am today if it wasnt for all the things ive witnessed in my life, including stupid stuff like star trek, babylon 5, cartoons of all kinds, indiana jones, back to the future...

...and Star Wars.
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Oh yeah, thats cool... [May. 20th, 2005|10:10 am]
nakedshaft
[music |nothing]

Samurai

You are a Samurai.
You are full of honour and value respect. You
are not really the stereotypical hero, but you
do fight for good. Just in your own way. For
you, it is most certainly okay to kill an evil
person, if it is for justice and peace. You
also don't belive in mourning all the time and
think that once you've hit a bad stage in life
you just have to get up again. It's pointless
to concentrate on emotional pain and better to
just get on with everything. You also are a
down to earth type of person and think before
you act. Impulsive people may annoy you
somewhat.

Main weapon: Sword
Quote: "Always do the right thing.
This will gratify some people and astonish the
rest" -Mark Twain
Facial expression: Small smile




What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

i may dye my hair this way...
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Colourful [May. 19th, 2005|12:39 pm]
nakedshaft
[mood |confusedextremely]
[music |Afroman (my own remix)]

Can't Read. Can't Write. Can't Think. Can't Speak.
Imprisoned by culture.
Total inauguration.
But there is a leak

Raised one way without much ponder.
But not entirely mine.
Late hesitation.
I've started to wander

Proud of my roots, patriotic at heart.
But now I'm alone.
Late lamentation.
Delayed start.

I am not from one place, I am not like you.
I've ignored.
Procrastination.
What to do?

Branch out. Explore. Look & realise.
I cut off myself.
Segregation.
But looking with new, brown eyes.
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Scraggily Panty Dwellers... [May. 18th, 2005|11:52 am]
nakedshaft
[mood |crankyuber-super-Happy]
[music |The sound of lots of people slowly dying...]

-) Reality TV; where good men fail, and ugly chicks get laid. Otherwise known as "College".

-) "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsy pop?" 42. (if you dont get this one you just arent cool enough)

-) This is something that has bugged me for awhile; how come, when i lived in the good ole United Kingdom, my keyboard came with a british monetary symbol AND and american symbol, yet my american keyboard only has an american symbol, namely $. im a little pissed. i even used to have a yen symbol (though it was seldom used), how cum i dont get a pound symbol?

-) Big Fish, small fish, cardboard box, Big Fish, small fish, cardboard box, Big Fish, small fish, cardboard box, LEARN TO FUCKING DANCE YOU PRE-TEEN WEENIE!!!!!

-) My version of the atkins diet; mushrooms, marijuana, lots of alcohol and a brisk walk around the block for a beer run in the middle of a monsoon. Otherwise refferred to as Saturday night.

-) I dont beleive in theft from the workplace. I dont believe in ratting out my coworkers. I dont bleieve in lying to customers.

But is it wrong to arrive to work drunk? (i was 30 minutes early, that helps innit?)

-) I loved my old car, i really did. it was my first, and we had alot of good times. and i will always remember it...

...but goddamned i like not looking like i got into a fight with a Volkswgon.

-) So, this is the year of the remakes apparently. Willy Wonka, war of the worlds, Batman, Bewitched. So when are we gonna see remakes of our old TV shows? stepford and son, starring cuba gooding jr? Fresh prince of bel air starring ben stiller? A movie version of cops, starring ben stiller? shit, why not just remake an old ben stiller movie and complete the circle?

-) Dont be fooled by a 1000 dollar hooker; you can get a 100 dollar hooker to do the smae things, and you dont even have to wear a condom. (theres those immigrants stealing our best jobs, again)

-) I used to think i had a problem talking to women. now i realise its their fault. no communication skills. I mean, i can talk for hours and hours, and they wont hear a thing. i ll ramble on endlssly about nothing important at a speed that would make a chipmunks ears bleed, and yet they appear to not hear me. i can go on and on and on and on and on and on, and they just walk away. SOO inconsiderate

-) Urinal Do's and Dont's

DO wash your hands.
DONT wash your neighhbours hands, they take offense.
DO flsuh after your finished.
DONT flsuh before your finished, the waters cold.
DO use a sanitary sheet to cover toilet seat.
DONT use a sanitary seat as a neck tie.
DO check your hair in the mirror before you leave.
DONT steal the mirror.
DO write graffiti.
DONT spell check others graffiti.

-) I hate ballerinas. They always break after the warrantee is over.

-) Beards; natures brown bag.

-) A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Hence the increase in Kleenex's stock market.

-) Its raining. Which means its my turn to stand on the side of the freeway and yell incoherently at passers-by.
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An Ode to a Hyundai (pronounced "High-Yoon-Dye"!)... [May. 11th, 2005|10:48 pm]
nakedshaft
[mood |blankbleh]
[music |Nuthin]

This is dedicated to the memory of my very loyal Hyundai Accent, '98, white with little red flags on either side of it.

I will miss you.



You've reached your own highways end,
Rounded that penultimate bend.
The farting duck has sounded one last time.
(It's gone)

The engines' dormant; doesn't make a sound.
Now, not even faster than the ground.
I wish the dragons could fly one last time.
(It's gone)

"Oh my shaggin' wagon's draggin' now,
Just a still life memory.
The celtic cruisers upgraded; the Mk II,
But Hyundai's still beautiful to me"

Your left side was your better half.
Oh, how the right made others laugh.
I will defend you one last time.
(It's gone)

Crumpled bumper, that funky smell.
My attempted fix (they couldn't tell)
I cleaned you out one last time.
(It's gone)

"chorus"

He drove it off without much grace
As though rubbing it in my face.
I got to see you stall one last time.
(It's gone)

A stiff salute, a teary eye.
At least I got to say goodbye.
You were a perfect drive that last time.
(It's gone)

"chorus"

Red. White. Grey. Scratch.
Dent. Hole. Trunk latch.
Stained seats. Floor mats.
Paw prints (damned cats!)
Grind. Skid. Fender.
Eye sockets tender...

But your still beautiful to me.


(just so everyones clear, the car isn't totalled, i merely traded it in for a different car. but it was still very sad and theyre probably going to scrap it for parts. and the car didnt even have a donor card...)
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MEET THE FUTURE OF SPORTS... [May. 4th, 2005|04:22 pm]
nakedshaft
[mood |artistic]
[music |nada]

So I have been asked to start an amateur Dodgeball team. Its gonna be rad.

so far, ive only got a couple of people interested, and i expect alot of them to flake out, BUT, here is what my current Dodgeball team might look like...

they are... THE HOLLYWOOD HEROES!!! (inspired by that really cool song from a few weeks ago...)



...oh we are gonna kick imaginary ARSE!!!

but seriously, anyone who is interested in joining a dodgeball league, please, feel free to email/reply to me.

BITCHES!!! oh yeah, thats how i play, oh yeah, bring it...
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LOVE SONG... [Apr. 29th, 2005|12:05 pm]
nakedshaft
[mood |QWERTY]
[music |Mindless Self Indulgence]

Take a picture.
A thousand words in one frame.
Take a picture.
The times roll on it stays the same.
Take a picture, a snapshot.
A handy little way to immortalise the day.

So why are you complaining?
I got your good side.
Your curses on me, raining.
(Please don't try to hide)
Are you ready for your close up?...

(CHORUS)
"I caught you Naked.
Now your soul belongs to me.
You thought I faked it when i said you were on TV.
Now you hate that your boobs are seen so easily."

By the way, Nice to meet you, my name is...
(WHACK!)

I took your picture.
(It wasn't easy, I'll tell you now...)
I took your picture.
(...to drill that hole into your shower)
I took your picture, the money shot.
A handy little farce to immortalize your arse.

So why are you complaining?
I still contest that it's art.
I see your patience waning;
Your chasing fast; that looks hot.
Are you ready for your close up?...

(CHORUS)

By the way, I need spare batteries...?
(WHACK!)

The cops already tried to seek
The shots of you I took last week.
I surely hope they don't discover
The similar ones of my grand-mother.
Or the womens tennis victory dance
Where I had one hand down my pants.

Maybe I should be more discreet
(or shoot something more acceptable, like dirty feet...?)

(CHORUS x2)

By the way, there are negatives...
(WHACK!)
By the way here's your relatives...
(WHACK!)
By the way, nice to meet you, my name is...

...Michelle.
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PURPLE POWER!!! [Apr. 27th, 2005|11:53 am]
nakedshaft
[mood |amusedFREE THE BUSICUIT!]
[music |Best Of Harry Belafonte]

A dash of red, a spot of yellow,
A purple streak across the land.
A video store hero.
A super powered helping hand.

DVD Telekinesis,
Perfect aim with deadly locks.
Solving window Puzzle Pieces;
Bravest of them check the box.

CHORUS
Hollywood Heroes (x2)
Purple Power! (the colour looks good; strike a pose)
Hollywood Heroes (x2)
Check the box every hour (or somewhere close, I suppose...)

Handle deadly, irate guests,
The patience of a super turtle.
Thwarted only by video thefts,
Out the front door they shall hurtle!

Nunchucks, whips, and throwing stars,
Weapons of Mass Distraction.
Lying guests; excuses a farce,
But compassion; we allow this one infraction.

CHORUS...

But our arch nemesis still exists,
Clutching tight its yellow/blue fist.
We continue the fight with all we can muster
Against the diabolical, ego-maniacal BLOCKBUSTER!

CHORUS...

CHORUS v.2
Hollywood Heroes (x2)
Purple Power! (the colour looks good; strike a pose)
Hollywood Heroes (x2)
But our Kryptonite is Closing Shift (I hate to close; it blows...)


(if there is anyone among you who has ANY musical talent, feel free to put this to music and give me the copyright so I can rake in millions from the teeny bopper industry...

...and i apolgise to those of you who have real super powers if you are in any way offended by this...

sorry)
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The new hit single from NAked Shaft Industries... [Apr. 13th, 2005|11:40 am]
nakedshaft
[mood |hibbidy jibbidy]

PEEVES

Bush is in the White House;
Everyone has gone insane.
There's only shit on S.N.L,
Homelessness is causing pain.

The Bald Eagle just flew the coop.
It says goodbye on my shoulder.
Everyday we ignore the stain
(I just can't stand getting older).

But the straw that broke the camels back
Was not Schiavo or the War in Iraq.
I shook my hump and spat an attack
Because those bastards ruined our snacks...

(chorus)
Cheese in a Can & Peanut Butter!
One is a plasphemy, the other is in everything.
I hate whats in the can & we don't need more butter.
Cheese and beef SLASH! ham SLASH! bacon.

Health service is a piece of crap
Which we flush so absently.
Sex offenders running schools,
Kids making bombs for curiousity.

Bushs elusive, hidden weapons,
Good mens jobs taken by machines.
Angst ridden gun-teens in school hallways,
Class-A drugs sold by/to pre-teens.

But these are not the main infractions,
Nor Bush's War of Mass Distraction.
I intend to suit up and take action;
They added pure evil to make our snacks "fun"...

(chorus)

(solo)

But maybe I'm wrong, I just can't see
This fine culinary artistry.
A new era, new flavours; it all makes sense.
Just like a dollar menu that adds on eight cents...

...or people that don't stop at red lights;
Manchester United fans starting fights.
I've changed my mind it's all bullshit.
Gun to my head; go ahead & pull it.!

Skateboarders on the sidewalk!
13 year old Greenday "Fans"!
Clumsy Welshmen that cannot talk!
People with problematic glands!
Wigga's driving 90 miles per hour,
Making cars 'look' (not of go any) faster!
Blow it all on rims, not power...
"PLEASE SIGNAL, YOU RAT BASTARD!!!"

(chorus x2)

...squeezy cheezy peas...

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